Reflections

Now, after a few days at home, it has proved interesting to reflect on my time in the meditation centre and on my thoughts during the course itself.  At the end of those ten days I felt noticeably calmer and more relaxed but, as I said to a meditation regular after the silence had been lifted, we had in my view been subject to a combination of three things: total detachment from the outside world; the silence that in part added to that isolation but which also provided an opportunity for reflection that might normally be smothered by social interaction; and finally the meditation itself. I needed time to untangle their relative contributions and now, somewhat later, I have to admit that for me it feels that the first two added the greatest contribution, a belief underpinned by my experiences when walking and camping in mountains and other remote areas. Definitely not the same feeling as I had after those ten days of silence, isolation and meditation yet somehow related.

Does this mean I felt I wasted my time? Definitely not. There is always something to learn when you are in situations that are unusual to you. That sense of calm would not have been achieved in the way it was without those days of isolation. And the silence, as I have mentioned previously, gave me pause for thought on much of what I might have said as well as making an interesting experience on judging by appearances. The personal desire to have those early morning moments entirely to myself despite the daily lack of social interaction within the course has given me something to reflect on: why did I feel that need and what did I get from it? As for the meditation, I appreciate that I have only begun the path to learning to clear my mind using the Annapurna technique (although I still wonder as to the value of an empty mind; I feel quite happy with a busy one, trying to hold on to and grapple with more than one problem at a time) but I'm afraid that, despite being told I 'will see' in response to my question on the value of Vipassana, I still fail to do so. It may have been ten long, and in some ways hard, days to uncover relatively minor things but I tell myself that small gems often require the most effort to uncover. 

As I read my diary back in the 'real' world I am surprised by the dominance of thoughts on my frustrations and the value of what I was doing. Yes, these were there and I recall clearly having such feelings. Yet reflecting on that period from a distance I remember them as moments offset by the simple highlights of good food, stolen moments of rest and short but bracing walks while feeling immersed in the broader backdrop of a repetitiveness daily cycle.  It was that routine that was the constant, a routine we embraced with quiet acceptance, rather than the frustration and negativity that I seem to have focused on here.

In the end though this was an interesting experience. I’m glad I did it although I’m not sure I would repeat it as many others clearly do. They would maybe tell me that I would better appreciate the value of meditation with more practise and the course was, after all, only the beginning of a journey. But despite my acceptance that it must hold something - which many there clearly got value from - that something was elusive to me. However, as an interesting postscript, a short video recently received from a friend shows how brain scans of people using Buddhist meditation techniques differ from those doing transcendental meditation - the two methods affect different parts of the brain - which makes me wonder whether I might yet get something from an alternative meditation technique. My foray into meditation might not yet be over.

2 January 2023

Despite the relaxation of rules yesterday, giving the feeling that the course was over, we still had sessions last night and a 4.30am meditation session this morning which was followed by a discourse focused on how we might continue to get value from what we had learned during the week. However, these were the death throes of the course; afterwards with no particular fanfare, the informality of yesterday kicked in again and people began to drift away.

I waited a while, chatting to the staff and those yet to depart, as I had agreed to drop people at Chippenham station on the way home. But it was not long before I too was off, dropping a car full of fellow course members at the station to catch trains to all corners of the country, and then making my own way the very few miles back to my house and an afternoon slipping back into 'normality'.

1 January 2023

Another walk into the teeth of the wind towards and around the pagoda helped blow away the doubts and frustrations from yesterday’s final session and began this, my last full day.  It set me up for a relatively successful and immobile hour of meditation.  Even the morality tale of the discourse, plus of course a couple more lists for good measure, did not take the shine off the morning.  And then, after listening to a recorded speech by the centre’s founder in lieu of a meditation session, we were allowed to talk.

Lunch felt strange; what was really a normal level of background noise seemed unusual as people chatted, swapped experiences and got to know each other.  Afterwards we were given the opportunity to see inside the golden pagoda.  Eight small meditation rooms were arranged around a small central room for the teacher, all gold leaf and brightly lit, with one room holding an effigy of the Buddha surrounded with plenty of flowers as ‘offerings’ to brighten things further.  Rooms in pagodas are apparently a rarity; they are normally solid monuments but the female founder of this centre was determined to have something different.

The relaxed state of the day continued into the afternoon with a 1950s documentary from America that followed a woman traveling through Burma during which she spent some time at the ‘parent’ centre of the site here in Heddington. Black and white and dated in its style, presentation and attitudes (I think the staff had edited it to try and address some of the latter issue) it was nevertheless informative and interesting to see the world through eyes from some eight decades earlier. Another documentary on a group visiting Buddhist pilgrimage sites and a third on the history of the Buddha rounded off the morning. 

31 December 2022

A bad night’s sleep, a bracing walk and a less than brilliant meditation where I think I dropped off a couple of times set out the start of the day.  There was another list in the discourse, ten things euphemistically described as enemy soldiers which could act as hurdles to successful meditation. They were listed, spelt out in detail and no doubt listed again but the drawn out presentation left my mind wandering elsewhere. That distraction followed me into the afternoon and I found myself wondering what the scanning achieved as the repetitiveness of it left me bored.  When I asked in the question session what the point was I was told that I would see, an answer that had been given previously to other questions in one form or another and for which further questioning had unearthed nothing.

Despite the frustrations and distractions clinging to me through the afternoon my day was made up when I accosted the member of staff who had the gong to announce tea; they allowed me to ring it, and it’s not as easy as you might think to get a good sound out of it, and so I walked into the dining room with a big grin on my face.

30 December 2022

Again I am up and around before the 4am gong to rouse us from sleep and I walk into a bracing wind as I cross the open lawn towards and around the pagoda. Its multi coloured lights are already on providing a bright focus in the darkness of early morning.  I walk down the road to the centre’s entrance and then feel my way around the garden in the dark before heading to the meditation hall early to try and get a head start in calming my mind.  I enjoy these mornings of solitude, they feel important to me.  It seems strange given that we do not talk and during the day the numbers of people you see seems far fewer than the 70 or so here. Yet despite this I still find a need for the isolation and peace that comes with my early starts.

While the discourses remain elusive with more about impermanence and those Kalapas rearing their head again, something seems to have come together with the meditation; what I feel is nowhere near as intense as that first experience two days ago but I do feel as if I am ‘in my body’ more and do not seem to be so affected by the build-up of sensations that has frustrated previously.  I still have to ‘reset’ a few times in the hour and a lot of concentration seems to be required but there is definitely progress. After the morning session I felt very relaxed - that feeling you get after a long but rewarding run - and an unprovoked desire to laugh out loud for reasons I can not work out and in the afternoon I manage to spend an hour sitting immobile even though I was willing the session to end towards the end.

It all goes wrong in the evening.  My mind is all over the place and I think of it as having a box of frogs in my head.  I give up after thirty minutes and leave.

29 December 2022

The new technique still eludes me and the various itches and aches call out for attention and relief as I move my attention around the body. I notice the sniffing and coughing and my contribution of a gurgling stomach which have been present for a few days more now as I am less ‘in my body’ and more aware of what is going on around me. When I open my eyes in frustration I see others in an apparent state of rigid serenity.

As the day wears on the meditation, with all its personal frustrations, is interrupted by the discourses - less intangible today but I am not sure what I should take from it – and the pleasurable distraction of meals – today a mushroom risotto with abundant salads for lunch and with puddings I tend to ignore.  Overall though I feel I have lost it: am I feeling what I should?; am I doing the wrong thing with the wrong result?; or the right thing with the wrong result or maybe even the right result?  I have no idea and I certainly do not feel ‘full of emotion’ or ‘like an empty vessel waiting to be filled’ which were two phrases of metaphysical guff that were said in the individual instruction sessions. Overall it is proving very frustrating getting to grips with this latest meditation technique with an element of intangibility I can not grasp. Although I do seem to recall similar levels of frustration in the first few days of the course when learning the earlier method. 

28 December 2022

Again I enjoyed the cool emptiness of the morning before most people were up.  Again the morning passed in the mediation hall firstly meditating - I seem to have a better grasp of things now - and then listening to the discourse before breakfast.  It struck me as I listened to today’s, covering some of the moral principles we are meant to be bound by during our stay here, that much of what we are being told comes in the form of entangled lists: we might hear about seven precepts that are divided into three principles each of which has two phases.  I now realise that historically this was as an oral philosophy and lists might make recalling things easier but here and now I find myself drifting away as my understanding gets bogged down in an entangled web made up of lists of ethical principles.

The question session draws from people the usual selection of silence, needless questions and, to me at least, assertive grandstanding (‘How can Buddha be a perfect man if he is clearly fallible since he has prejudices?’) but is followed by an excellent vegetarian beef wellington lunch and then a start to the afternoon that I can only say I found weird.

After lunch we moved to the next stage of our meditation, learning the Vipassana technique. It calls for the ability to start with a clear mind, hence the teaching of the last few days.  The teacher talked us through this now familiar first stage and then on to mentally scanning or bodies looking for sensations. As well as itching and soreness I felt pressure, tinglings and hands that felt as nothing more than a presence. But the strangest thing was when my whole body very suddenly heated up to the point I had to remove my jumper. As the hour progressed I found myself feeling different sensations in different parts of my body, sensations that dropped into the background as I moved my attention on but which I never managed to push completely away.  My whole body felt restless and I just wanted to get up and shake it out as you would a restless leg.

The sensations we all experienced are explained to us in the afternoon’s discourse, a discourse I found obscure, irrational and somewhat rambling.  A key aspect to ‘understanding’ Buddhism is accepting the idea of impermanence in everything including ourselves. As this idea has been introduced over the last couple of days people have pointed out that you can see this around you every day and for me the idea of impermanence in the individual is obvious from our aging and the billion pound industries that have grown up in trying to prevent it.  But our teacher explains it is more immediate than any of this and that according to Buddha everything is made of tiny subatomic particles, smaller than atoms, which include earth, fire, nutrition, and taste.  These ‘Kalpas’ separate and reform thousands of times a second and hence everything is in a permanent state of change and the sensations we feel in our meditation are this change.  I find myself becoming more detached from the teachings.  I also find myself wondering more acutely about the point of this meditation; it is supposed to bring ‘enlightenment’ but if that means accepting what we have been told about Kalapas then I am in a metaphysical dead end.  The aches and itches and soreness I sense while doing Vipassana and which frustrate and which I can not ignore seem to lead to nothing of value that I can relate to.