Now, after a few days at home, it has proved interesting to reflect on my time in the meditation centre and on my thoughts during the course itself. At the end of those ten days I felt noticeably calmer and more relaxed but, as I said to a meditation regular after the silence had been lifted, we had in my view been subject to a combination of three things: total detachment from the outside world; the silence that in part added to that isolation but which also provided an opportunity for reflection that might normally be smothered by social interaction; and finally the meditation itself. I needed time to untangle their relative contributions and now, somewhat later, I have to admit that for me it feels that the first two added the greatest contribution, a belief underpinned by my experiences when walking and camping in mountains and other remote areas. Definitely not the same feeling as I had after those ten days of silence, isolation and meditation yet somehow related.
Does this mean I felt I wasted my time? Definitely not. There is always something to learn when you are in situations that are unusual to you. That sense of calm would not have been achieved in the way it was without those days of isolation. And the silence, as I have mentioned previously, gave me pause for thought on much of what I might have said as well as making an interesting experience on judging by appearances. The personal desire to have those early morning moments entirely to myself despite the daily lack of social interaction within the course has given me something to reflect on: why did I feel that need and what did I get from it? As for the meditation, I appreciate that I have only begun the path to learning to clear my mind using the Annapurna technique (although I still wonder as to the value of an empty mind; I feel quite happy with a busy one, trying to hold on to and grapple with more than one problem at a time) but I'm afraid that, despite being told I 'will see' in response to my question on the value of Vipassana, I still fail to do so. It may have been ten long, and in some ways hard, days to uncover relatively minor things but I tell myself that small gems often require the most effort to uncover.
As I read my diary back in the 'real' world I am surprised by the dominance of thoughts on my frustrations and the value of what I was doing. Yes, these were there and I recall clearly having such feelings. Yet reflecting on that period from a distance I remember them as moments offset by the simple highlights of good food, stolen moments of rest and short but bracing walks while feeling immersed in the broader backdrop of a repetitiveness daily cycle. It was that routine that was the constant, a routine we embraced with quiet acceptance, rather than the frustration and negativity that I seem to have focused on here.
In the end though this was an interesting experience. I’m glad I did it although I’m not sure I would repeat it as many others clearly do. They would maybe tell me that I would better appreciate the value of meditation with more practise and the course was, after all, only the beginning of a journey. But despite my acceptance that it must hold something - which many there clearly got value from - that something was elusive to me. However, as an interesting postscript, a short video recently received from a friend shows how brain scans of people using Buddhist meditation techniques differ from those doing transcendental meditation - the two methods affect different parts of the brain - which makes me wonder whether I might yet get something from an alternative meditation technique. My foray into meditation might not yet be over.
