29 December 2022

The new technique still eludes me and the various itches and aches call out for attention and relief as I move my attention around the body. I notice the sniffing and coughing and my contribution of a gurgling stomach which have been present for a few days more now as I am less ‘in my body’ and more aware of what is going on around me. When I open my eyes in frustration I see others in an apparent state of rigid serenity.

As the day wears on the meditation, with all its personal frustrations, is interrupted by the discourses - less intangible today but I am not sure what I should take from it – and the pleasurable distraction of meals – today a mushroom risotto with abundant salads for lunch and with puddings I tend to ignore.  Overall though I feel I have lost it: am I feeling what I should?; am I doing the wrong thing with the wrong result?; or the right thing with the wrong result or maybe even the right result?  I have no idea and I certainly do not feel ‘full of emotion’ or ‘like an empty vessel waiting to be filled’ which were two phrases of metaphysical guff that were said in the individual instruction sessions. Overall it is proving very frustrating getting to grips with this latest meditation technique with an element of intangibility I can not grasp. Although I do seem to recall similar levels of frustration in the first few days of the course when learning the earlier method.