26 December 2022

Why my roommate turned his bedside light on at 3.20, lighting up the whole room, defeated me.  Of the three of us he was the only one with previous meditation experience and it brought to mind an article I had read just prior to the course describing how meditation could make people from western cultures more selfish.  And the ‘Noble Silence’ prevented me sharing my frustration.

The morning’s session left me feeling that I was getting better at retaining my focus and when I lost it, better at bringing myself back on track.  But I still had the soreness of yesterday evening (I had hoped it would have gone overnight) and I felt quite fidgety towards the end of the hour.

I enjoy the excellent lunch of lentil pie, make the most of the beautiful day by walking down the drive to the centre’s entrance (we have been told not to walk beyond the gate) and around the small garden.  In short periods of rest, I try for a few minutes of sleep.  I am definitely noticing a difference between the mornings, when I feel quite relaxed, and the afternoons, when I wonder ‘when will this end?’; an hour is a long time to sit and this afternoon my thoughts are everywhere.

Meals, discourse and the individual instruction periods provide a respite from focused meditation.  Today’s discourse was about a rich man who had made himself rich through good deeds in past lives (which seemed to involve in large measure giving alms to monks). He becomes a monk, gives his money away, says he is happy but his fellow monks can not believe this. But the Buddha says that this man is not lying and this is therefore proof we do not need money to be happy.  I find myself wondering about the strength of the ‘proof’ and the contradiction of the reward of riches for good deeds done in past lives when the moral of the story is that you do not need money to be happy in life.   

The afternoon’s instruction period has a woman trying to tell the teacher ‘for the benefit of the class’ about how she has had an abortion (against the ‘do not kill’ requirement of Buddhism) but still feels that she is following the rules of conduct and how the teachings need updating.  During the discussion the teacher is clearly getting irritated; he is the teacher, she is the student and therefore she has no place trying to give others the ‘benefit’ of her thoughts and that it is not for him to change the teachings.  It is becoming clear that this man, who was attracted to Buddhism when young, has a very clear personal attitude to the Buddhist doctrine.

Towards the end of the day with a sore hip that makes me limp for a while when we leave the hall, and watching others who are clearly in some discomfort themselves, more negativity hits me and I wonder if there is any point in achieving a sound mind at the expense of your body.